Compulsive Sexuality

Recession-Proof Your Sex Life
By Krysta Fitzpatrick -

The Loch Sex Monster

Great sex can be pricey. And I’m not referring to how much some people spend on high-class hookers.

A romantic dinner, lingerie, contraceptives, lubricants, sex toys, hell, even just dinner and a movie to charm someone, can cost more than the average student can afford these days.

Here are some tips to maintain a healthy sex life without breaking the bank.

Let’s start with basic dating. Dinner at a nice place and a movie afterward can be pricey. However, it can still be done affordably without resorting to Big Macs.

Fog City, for instance, is an affordable restaurant right in the Avalon Mall (so you won’t have to make two trips) and when you eat there, you and your date can each purchase movie tickets for half price. Not a bad deal.

Still out of your price range? There are a lot of great affordable and sometimes free things to do around town on a date.

The Rooms is free to visit on Wednesday nights and the first Saturday of each month. Though it may sound nerdy, museums can be a lot of fun. Plus there’s a little restaurant and snack bar so you can grab a coffee.

Also, don’t overlook the classic date of staying home, popping some popcorn, and watching a scary movie. If one of you owns a good scary movie then there goes the cost of renting one.

Nothing is better for a date than turning the lights down low and cuddling together during the scariest scenes. Plus, it’s almost free.

More romantic evenings and special occasions can be pricey. If you want to plan something nice that involves lighting candles, throwing on some lingerie, and breaking out the sex toys, it can often cost a pretty penny. However, there are ways to pull this off without maxing out your credit card.

First of all, don’t waste your money buying those fancy scented candles at Wicker Emporium. At Dollarama (a frugal shopper’s bff) you can get a bunch of candles for a few bucks.

Lingerie, on the other hand, can be tricky. Sure, we all want the cute little outfits from La Senza, and sometimes we get lucky and they’re on sale, but for those less fortunate days there is always Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart and other department stores have some great lingerie finds for a fraction of the price that you might find at a fancier store. Do you really think any guy is going to want to check the brand name on your g-string anyways?

But what about the sex toys? I don’t know if you’ve been into Our Pleasure lately, but that stuff isn’t cheap. The most economical ways to buy sex toys and lube is actually online.

Websites such as have all sorts of great discount sex toys. And more importantly, shipping costs are usually pretty minimal.

As for sexual safety on a budget, well that might be the easiest. A lot of students who are living on their own cannot afford monthly birth control or condoms, but there are solutions. Places like Planned Parenthood (the N.L Sexual Health Centre) offer affordable birth control and free condoms.

So unless you have Heidi Fleiss on speed dial, having a great sex life doesn’t have to cost a bundle. Like almost everything else in life, sex can be done on the cheap.

How to Break Free from the Single Trap: Seven Tips
Andrew G. Marshall - The Times Online

Are you stuck in the lonely hearts' club?

Over the past 30 years the proportion of one-person households has almost doubled and by next year the Government forecasts that the single-person home will be the most common type of household.

For some, being single is no longer a natural phase between the end of one relationship and the beginning of another but somewhere they have become trapped. In my new book The Single Trap I look at the underlying causes: how the internet might provide more choice but makes it harder to choose; how having divorced parents makes it more difficult to trust; and the social changes that mean we meet fewer prospective partners.

However, it is possible to break free from the single trap. The first step is to take a fresh look at yourself. Often the very things that we think protect us from getting hurt make it harder for new people to come into our lives and because like attracts like it is important to balance ourselves. The second step involves changing the way that we search for love, to become more open-minded, learning the art of mixing and making more fulfilling emotional connections, as the extract on the facing page shows.

In my work as a marital therapist I always start by taking a history of my client’s relationships. Most people knew each other casually, or even distantly, before going out together. Work has been another low-risk way to meet people; other couples have a shared interest. The key advantage of meeting someone casually — as a friend of a friend, through work or sharing a hobby — is that all the defences are down. You are not meeting a potential life partner, but chatting for 30 seconds waiting for the lift. The stakes are so low there is no need for game-playing and you are more likely to be yourself.

What I’m suggesting in effect is a return to the roots of British courting: parading, mixing, and saying “how do you do?” At parties, it’s not looking for a partner but for an interesting conversation, which might lead to a recommendation for an art exhibition and getting talking to someone else at the gallery. It’s about joining a poetry class, not to find a potential date, but because you love words and then going to a classmate’s coffee-shop performance and being introduced to someone from his or her workplace.

Mixing is about being open to new ideas, new opportunities and ultimately new people. The good news is that not only will these seven skills opposite help you to meet more people, they will also undo some of the bad habits acquired through dating.


1. Riding the flow

Have you ever been so wrapped up in something that when you looked at your watch, time had evaporated? Psychologists call this “riding the flow”. Not only is it extremely pleasurable, but your mood is expansive, tolerant and creative. Even better, we forget ourselves and are less self-conscious and self-critical. Not only is this the perfect state of mind to meet a partner, but the chances are increased dramatically; happy people are a pleasure to be around. People get more satisfaction from activities outside work — the most common examples are sport or exercise, or satisfaction could come from joining a choir or volunteering. So how do you find your own personal flow? It must be something you find personally rewarding and which maintains your interest. Set yourself small, realistic goals. It is better to aim at learning 20 French words a week than to speak French in time for your holiday. Seek to help others rather than just looking after number one. You will reap the personal benefits. Research shows that volunteering is the second greatest source of joy, after dancing, and a good way of meeting people. As your aim is to find a partner, look for ways to flow with other people. If hours disappear when you are playing the piano, accompany the local amateur dramatic society. If you enjoy squash, join a league.

2. Six degrees of separation

Frigyes Karinthy, a Hungarian author, claimed that we can link ourselves to any other human being on Earth using no more than five intermediaries, one of whom is a personal acquaintance. The idea was tested in a Sixties experiment by a social psychologist who mailed random people and asked them to forward a parcel to someone who might forward it closer to the final recipient. The average number of times the parcel was forwarded was six. But what does all this mean for mixing and finding your ideal partner? Firstly, the more friends and acquaintances, the greater chances of meeting him or her. Market researcher John T. Molloy interviewed 2,500 couples and found that women about to marry knew significantly more people than women with no proposal in sight. Secondly, six degrees of separation underlines how important it is to take every opportunity to talk to people. Look back at your previous partners. How many times did you meet someone who was a friend of a friend? Even if you met by chance, did you have acquaintances in common?

3. Becoming open-hearted

What is the best predictor for whether two people will be attracted? When I put this question to acquaintances, there was a clear consensus: looks. Yet if you look around your own circle of friends, you will find ordinary and even plain people who are never short of dates, and gorgeous ones who seem doomed to remain single. So what’s going on? Fortunately, social psychologists have always been fascinated by what attracts people to each other and the key predictor is not looks but the sheer amount of contact time. We expect to be attracted to the unknown, but are most likely to fall for the known. Social psychologists have found a second key predictor of mutual attraction: similarity. Although we might occasionally like a challenge, ultimately we choose someone similar in one or more of the following ways: attitudes, personality, demographic characteristics and lifestyle. So how do you move from a spark of interest for someone you see on a regular basis to a relationship? Becoming open-hearted Contrary to many people’s expectations, personality is more important than looks in attracting a partner; students were asked to rate qualities in possible mates, and the results were: 1) Kind and considerate; 2) Socially exciting; 3) Artistic/intelligent; 4) Easy-going/adaptable.

So how do you come across as open-hearted? Smile: This will not only make you seem warm but approachable too. Maintain good eye contact — people who cannot look us directly in the eye are considered to be lying. Be positive: We like people who make us feel good about the world, and ourselves. Appear interested: This includes nodding the head, repeating back key phrases and, most powerful of all, identifying feelings (“you must have been horrified”).

4. Flirting

If you have been out of the singles game for a while, flirting can be particularly daunting. In essence, there are three key ingredients to successful flirting: encouraging body language, easy-flowing conversation and confidence.

Encouraging body language Leaning slightly towards someone — although not too close — shows interest. Nodding signals not only encouragement but also demonstrates involvement in the story that you’re being told. Blinking can also set a romantic mood. We blink every two or three seconds and increasing the rate will increase your partner’s too. Conversely slowing down a blink can be sexually attractive as it mimics a wink. Mirroring — matching your body posture to someone else’s — can amplify intimacy.

Easy-flowing conversation Value small talk: It’s a good way of warming up for a more interesting conversation and provides a breathing space to relax. When using small talk add extra conversational hooks: “At least the rain will bring on things in my allotment.” Look for areas of conversational connection. Echo the other person’s language. Don’t block topics A rant against dogs fouling the pavements will not build rapport. Never underestimate the importance of asking questions. A good listener will always be appreciated.

Confidence We like confident, outgoing people Make a list of three things under the following headings — parts of my body that I like; positive aspects of my personality; past achievements; past compliments and my potential. Check your language in case you are unknowingly running yourself down. Be upbeat: When you are interested and excited, your face muscles become more animated and more attractive. Confidence is not about being perfect. It comes from knowledge and experience, and through achieving small goals.

5. Taking a risk

When adopting this mixing skill, the first job is to reconsider people that you already know but have dismissed on possibly spurious grounds. John T.Molloy found that 20 per cent of the women he interviewed coming out of a marriage bureau had not liked their intended when they first met him. However, something made them reconsider and take a risk. The second way of taking a risk is to suspend judgment for longer and give your unconscious time to breathe and decide. If you have been thinking about someone in a new way, it is probably time to see more of them. This might be officially seen as a date, or possibly an extension of your normal routine. I would suggest you follow these guidelines:

No introspection on the date :Just enjoy the moment. Let the experience brew: Try to avoid making a judgment and instead sleep on it. Ultimately, your unconscious will tell you if there is a true match But your unconscious can talk only if you are prepared to listen — and that’s impossible if you’re too busy analysing. By waiting until the next morning, you will have avoided the snap judgment and stretched your normal window of decision-making.

6. Do as you would be done by

We frequently judge on the most superficial grounds, but demand that others consider our character and personality, not just our looks, weight and bank balance. If men knew the problems of women (who have traditionally supposed to wait to be asked) and women knew men’s fears (looking foolish), we would be kinder. These are the new rules of seeing someone: Both men and women have an equal opportunity to ask each other out. The policy should be, generally, to accept an invitation. First outings should be small events. If you promise to call or contact, it is your responsibility to do so. Whoever suggests the outing pays.

7. Be philosophical

Although we think of philosophy as being dominated by dead men with beards, it is in essence about making sense of the world around us. We have to accept the things over which we have no control and concentrate on what we can influence: our own behaviour. This means embracing all of the seven skills of mixing and, in particular, taking a risk. Sometimes when we stop trying to control — and when we least expect it — love comes to us.

Customized Girl

How to Be the Perfect Girlfriend that Every Guy Desires

In order to become perfect girlfriend that every guy desires then you have to put in a lot of efforts. Getting a boyfriend is a very easy task, but keeping him happy and satisfied in very difficult.

So, if you want to be a girlfriend that could make your guy’s buddies feel jealous that they do not have you then you must follow these essential and amazing tips:

1. Faithfulness is the most important thing in every relationship. Be very faithful towards your guy and never double cross him in love.

2. Try to be as romantic as possible. Write romantic poems and love notes for your lover.

3. Be docile as men prefer their girlfriends to be docile and polite rather than being dominating and nagging.

4. Be very understanding; try to understand all this problems whether they are related with his personal as well as professional life.

5. If you really want to be a good girlfriend then learn to comfort your lover when he is going through a rough phase in his life.

6. Be very honest with your guy about all your feelings and desires. If he has some bad habits then tell him about this in a polite manner.

7. Take interest in his hobbies and get involved in all the activities that he likes. This would make him appreciate you even more.

8. An ideal girlfriend always takes care of her guy’s likings and disliking. Give regular gifts and small tokens of love to your boyfriend.

9. Show him your affection and love by kissing him when he goes to work and hugging him when he comes back.

10. Have realistic expectations. Guys live on budgets too and unless your guy is rich, expensive restaurants and gifts would be very rare.

11. Give him enough space and time to live his live on his own terms. Let him enjoy video games, sports and action movie.

12. Remember little things put together make a lot of difference. What make a relationship healthy are sweet gestures of love, care and kindness that you show.

13. Do not act desperate or jealous at any cost. If you get too possessive your boyfriend would get fed-up and would want to get rid of you.

14. Do not be too dependant on your guy for everything. Try to make some decisions by yourself also.

15. Do not talk too much. Try to keep conversations to no more than an hour at first unless the guy is whole-heartedly interested in continuing talking.

16. Be flirtatious and try to attract him towards you. Guys love to engage in a relationship that is spicy and full of spark.

17. Have a positive attitude toward your lover, do not criticize or insult him on small and insignificant things.

These are some secret tactics that you should follow to become the perfect girlfriend that every guy desires.

A No-Brainer Way to Make Friends (and Meet Dudes)...

Two years ago, my friend Scott called me up. "JoJo," he said, "Let's shake things up a little." We both wanted to meet more friends (and cute members of the opposite sex) so we came up with a plan...

We decided to co-host a documentary night. The first Sunday each month, we decided to go to Scott's apartment, drink wine and watch a documentary. The kicker? We'd each invite five people that the other person had never met.

Guess what? It worked! We met each other's friends and co-workers and have been watching movies together ever since. We all hit it off famously, and it's one of my favorite things to do!

So, choose a friend or co-worker and start your own night. You can invite your roommate, old friends, neighbors, whomever! Three good movies to get you started: Surfwise, Man on Wire and American Teen. Or you could have a regular movie night instead, and rent comedies, thrillers and old-school classics.

Reader's Dilemma: "I Don't Have Any Close Female Friends. How Can I Make Some?"

On Monday, I invited you to ask me questions. What was the one question that came up more than any other? How to make female friends.

Daynya kicked it off: "I feel like I don't have any friends. I mean I do, but I don't. I don't have anyone to just 'go hang out with'....My boyfriend and I hang out with other couples, but no girls I really click with. I try to make friends with girls at yoga, but I feel like I'm hitting on them! I work with all men, so that option is out. Making friends as an adult, when you don't work with females, is the hardest thing ever. I just want someone to get coffee and watch movies with."

Many readers agreed that they were in the same boat. We all want female friends, but it can be hard to find them. Here are a few tips....


Making friends as adults can be hard, since you may feel like everyone is too busy or people already have their sets of pals. When I moved to New York after college, I felt the exact same way. I'd walk by groups of female friends at restaurants and really wish I could join them. I felt really lonely.

Just Ask 'Em.
But then I realized: People really want to hang out. Even if they're busy, almost everyone LOVES being invited to dinners, movies, parties, whatever. (Don't you? We all do!) So they'll probably be very happy that you asked. If there is a girl you like, even if you feel nervous, just ask her to hang out. Say that you're going to see Rachel Getting Married on Sunday and ask if she wants to come along. (Picking an actual event and day is much easier than saying "we should hang out sometime" and then having it never happen.) Chances are that she will say yes--or, if she's busy, she'll suggest something later on. (Brunches are always a fun, casual activity to suggest, too. Who doesn't love pancakes?) But seriously, just do it! You'll be so glad later.

A tip for Daynya: If you feel weird about "hitting on" your yoga classmates, instead of asking them for a movie or dinner, ask them if they want to try yoga with you at a different studio, or if they want to join you for a walk in a park to stretch your legs, or if they want to go shopping for yoga gear. That way, it will seem like less of a departure from what you already do together. (Not that it would matter either way, but it might make you feel more comfortable.)

Choose Recurring Activities (Think: Project Runway).
Seeing people for a recurring activity is a great way to establish a real friendship (versus going on "dinner dates," where you just catch up on your lives, you know?) I've found that the BEST way to make new friends is to set up an event where you see them every week. The easiest way? TV! You can invite a few people over for Project Runway every week, or Top Chef, or whatever show you like. I've been watching Project Runway with the same people for the last three seasons and now we're fast friends (we barely knew each other at the beginning). By watching a TV show together, you see each other regularly, will have something entertaining to do together and will get to know each other better and better. Plus, you can chat more during reality shows (versus dramas) and place bets on who will win.

Take a Class (Especially Knitting).
Say you don't really meet any women day to day. Then sign up for a recurring class or a group. It may sound cheesy, but I've done this before and it really works: You can sign up for a series of cooking classes, a runner's group, a volunteering club or a swing dancing course. Knitting classes can be especially great since they're usually mostly women and have a very communal vibe. Classes are everywhere! Lots of them aren't too expensive. Then you will a) have something in common with these women, b) be in a fun group atmosphere, c) see them regularly for as long as the classes continue and d) be around people who are getting out there and probably want to make friends, too.

Sex Advice: Is Masturbation Wrecking My Sex Life?

I am a 33-year-old man and I find it difficult to reach an orgasm with a woman; I frequently masturbate and wonder if this is affecting my ability to climax with a partner
Suzi Goddard
In 1981 The Hite Report on Male Sexuality (£4.95, ) detailed the sexual habits and beliefs of 7,000 men aged between 13 and 97. One of the many insights revealed in Shere Hite's exhaustive investigation was that men find masturbation to be a more efficient and effective means of sexual release than intercourse with a partner.

The reasons they gave ranged from feeling less inhibited because there was no pressure to perform to stronger orgasms because they were completely in control of the pace and the strength of their stimulation. If Hite were to conduct the same research today, I doubt that the responses would be different. Once a man establishes that his risk of going blind is negligible, masturbation becomes a fairly routine part of his week, sexual relationship or no sexual relationship.

Though women have a tendency to read too much into the intimate relationship between a man and his right hand, it rarely causes a problem. That is unless it develops into a compulsion, or a man becomes so conditioned to his own optimum brand of manipulation that penetrative or oral sex fails to provide him with sufficient stimulation to achieve orgasm.

Sex researchers call this phenomenon autosexual orientation. The term covers men who are reliant on a completely constant form of self-stimulation as well as those who get used to such an “idiosyncratic” style of stimulation that they disable their ability to ejaculate during regular sex. When the sex that you have with yourself is so perfect that you can't translate it into sex with someone else, you have a problem. Dr David Goldmeier, a sexual dysfunction expert at St Mary's Hospital, West London, says: “Some men who suffer from retarded ejaculation report that the combination of very erotic fantasies at masturbation, combined with high-level manual friction, enable them to climax in that scenario, but that vaginal sex is not so much of a turn-on, because the man does not get the same degree of stimulation and because the woman is not as erotic as their personalised masturbatory fantasy.”

It goes without saying that you should not be in a hurry to share this information with any sexual partner. If, as you suspect, your masturbatory habits are interfering with your ability to climax, the obvious solution is to cut it out for a while and see what happens. If a period of abstinence does not solve the problem, you need to see a doctor because it could be a symptom of an underlying illness, such as diabetes, MS, nerve damage, booze. Or some kind of psychological disturbance: depression, antidepressants, fear that the vagina will grow teeth and bite off your penis.

You don't mention whether the women you have sex with manage to achieve orgasm either, but when it comes to not coming during penetrative sex, female partners are probably the best people you could talk to. A fundamental design flaw means that the most sensitive part of our sexual anatomy happens to be outside, rather than inside, our vagina, and as a result many women need additional stimulation to reach the point of no return. I suspect that a little between-the-sheets honesty would go a long way towards helping both you and the women you have sex with to have a better time in bed.

How to Have Good Sex

It's more than giving her an orgasm and performing oral sex on him.

If you want to have good sex, make that great sex, first you need to feel good about yourself. That includes your body and your mind. Then you need to let your partners feel good about themselves.

Now, I know many of you read Cosmo (and don't tell me you don't). You know, the women's magazine with the Top (fill in the number) lists on "How to Please Your Man," "How to Please Yourself," "How to (you name the sex topic)." You can make all the jokes you want, but the one thing we can agree on is those lists get right to the point.

For instance, here are the 10 sizzling secrets of Women Who Love Sex.

I can switch on my sex drive.
Sensually supercharged women don't wait around patiently for the mood to strike. Instead, they set in motion the sex-psyching strategies that work for them every time. They conjure up a fantasy. Another libido-lifting trick is to wake up your senses: Spritz on your man's cologne, brush satiny fabric against your skin, or suck on some fruit. "Taking time to engage each sense — touch, taste, sound, scent, and sight — will quickly kick-start your lust drive.

My body is my pleasure palace.
A desire diva doesn't waste time fretting about stubble and cellulite or wishing she didn't take so long to climax. Instead, she sees herself as a carnal conduit loaded with sensual capabilities. How did these chicks become so aware of their pleasure points? Chances are, they'll credit masturbation.

I know I'm a sex goddess.
Long ago, I learned that men are turned on by a woman who is uninhibited about her sexuality. My current beau would rather date a confident woman with an imperfect figure than a 36-24-36 chick who's too timid to show her shape.

The tricky thing about sexual confidence, as any carnal cowgirl will admit, is that you need a little to begin with before it can blossom into a natural part of your passion personality. So how do you start? "Fake it at first — that's what I did," admits Bari, a 25-year-old designer. "My now-boyfriend was a coworker of mine whom I had a massive crush on. So I mentally made over my attitude from mousy staffer to office tramp, asked him out for a beer, and let my inner sex goddess loose. Six months of incredible action later, I still haven't reined in that attitude."

I speak up for myself in the sack.
Men love to please. But even the most perceptive guy in the world won't have your moan zones all mapped out. Tell your partners how you like to be touched.

If you're not used to being so erotically expressive, clue in your man by praising his sexual performance. Compliment him on what he does do well, then add a subtle suggestion: "It turns me on so much when you kiss my breasts, I'd go wild if you put your hand between my legs too."

It's not if I have an orgasm — it's how.
Women who ooze erotic energy don't view their Big O as a lucky bonus. Instead, reaching the pleasure pinnacle is their right. Men don't consider it sex unless they have an orgasm.

"I wish every woman would tattoo I deserve great sex on her brain," says Gina Ogden, Ph.D., author of Women Who Love Sex. "Sexual satisfaction is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you don't expect to be peeled off the ceiling, it won't happen." So start believing that every-time orgasms aren't elusive rewards reserved for select women — they're yours for the taking.

I've mastered one signature sex move.
Mastering at least one unique, naughty-but-nice move can morph you from a hot-and-heavy lover to holy moly! sex-partner status. But you don't have to focus on his G-rated hot spots alone or a specific sexual act. Your signature style can be about invoking an entire mood: sweetly simple, daring and dirty, or pushing the erotic envelope.

I get to know his secret desires.
Sexually charged chiquitas know that ecstasy is much more exciting when you skip the paint-by-numbers passion plan. There's nothing hotter than getting to know your partner and finding out which unique moves get him going. He'll be blown away by having a willing woman explore his secret desires.

Taking the time to experiment with new caresses and positions won't just make your guy grovel, it'll expand your idea of what's sexy.

I never let sex get stale.
As soon as sex loses its erotic edge, the "in-the-know babes" have to take fast action. They'll view steamy videos, try a sex toy, leaf through triple-X magazines, act out a secret fantasy, make love in a different location, or test-drive a scorching new position — almost anything in the pursuit of greater pleasure with their partner. To keep the heat in your relationship on high, vow to sample something naughty yet new at least once a week: Surprise your guy by doing the deed in the shower, read erotic books, or duck away from a party into an empty bedroom for a mischievous quickie.

I'm passionate 24-7.
Sexuality is a round-the-clock activity, not an isolated act you do in 20-minute stretches. "Great lovers integrate desire into everything they do so they feel sensuous all day long," says Susan Crain Bakos, author of Sexational Secrets: Erotic Advice Your Mother Never Gave You.

Sex is at the top of my to-do list.
Girls who love sex never make those tired, same-old excuses — "I got my period"; "I had a stressful day"; "I feel sooo fat" — for why they can't hit the sheets. Instead, passion is number one on their to-do lists, and they know that erotic action is the best cure for cramps, stress, and the blues. "Once you put off pleasure, it becomes easier and easier to postpone, and pretty soon you're out of the habit," explains Bakos. "It can be hard to get back in the sexual swing of things once your sensual switches have been turned off."

So even if you're not wildly turned on, you'll be doing yourself a favor by slipping into a sensuous state of mind.

Notice that almost everything on that list has to do with what's going on inside your head.

Sex Toys and Props

Make a Pass
You’ve likely heard the tip about secretly passing your panties to your lover during a night out together to raise the erotic stakes of an evening. We’ll go you one better. The next time you’re feeling frisky and you’re out with your lover, slip a pocket rocket or small, wireless bullet vibrator into their pocket during the night. Then whisper in their ear and even place their hand on it to let them know what it is. For the rest of the evening you’ll be wondering when they’re going to use it on you and you’ll both have sex on your minds for the rest of your night together.

Petal Power
The next time you want to do something extra special for your lover, present him or her with a bouquet of flowers. But this time, don’t just put the flowers in a vase and forget about them. Make those flowers the key ingredient of your romantic evening together. First, have your lover get undressed and lie down on the bed. You might even have them put on a silky blindfold. Then, when they’re comfortable, use the flowers one by one to explore your lover’s body. Take your time. The first flower might simply be brushed across your lover’s lips and face. The second might tantalize their toes or the backs of their knees. Tease your lover like this for a while, heading towards all of their most sensitive erogenous zones. Then before you consummate your sensual foreplay, take the petals from a couple of flowers and sprinkle then onto your lover’s body. And if you want to create an instant memory of the evening, leave a single flower in a vase next to the bed.

A Handy, Dandy Buzz
This tip is of special benefit for the men out there. The next time you are giving your man a little manual attention -- otherwise known as a hand job -- don’t just use your hand. Add a little vibration to the experience to up their excitement. You could do this in a number of ways. You might choose to apply light vibrations to the sensitive tip of his penis using a bullet or slimline vibrator in one hand while you continue to stroke with the other. You could also tickle his perineum and scrotum with a pocket rocket as you attend to him with your other hand. Finally, you might consider using a fingertip vibe like the Fukuoku 9000 on your stroking hand, using it all the way along the shaft. Whichever technique you choose, never stray from the main rule of a good hand job: use a lot of lube!

Feel the Vibration
You know best what feels good to you, right? Next time you're in an amorous situation with your lover, try introducing a vibrating erection ring into your love play. Not only will you get the added intimate stimulation that most women need to climax, men will feel the good vibrations, as well!

Sexier Safer Sex
Having safer sex may not always seem the most satisfying way to go (albeit the smartest!), but here's a tip to make it a bit more enticing for any man. Before putting on a condom, place a drop or two of lubricant (not too much!) in the condom's tip. The added friction it creates during intercourse will stimulate the sensitive tip of the penis and add to his pleasure.

Clearly Sensual
If you've never experimented with glass or acrylic toys, give them a whirl. Both may be heated (hot water is best) or chilled (cold water or the fridge) for a unique feel; just be sure to test the temperature on your wrist before using a toy on yourself or a lover. Acrylic and glass make great sensual props, as they are nonporous, easy to clean, and a cinch to maintain. They even look elegant! Just remember, they're not unbreakable and should always be used with a water-based lubricant, never silicone. Try something different and experience completely new sensations!

A Little Lift
Want to take fellatio to the next level? Add props to oral sex. For example, try using a slimline vibrator during your next oral adventure by placing it behind your lover's testicles and giving them a little lift. The vibration and position of the vibe will give your lover a whole new sensation while you perform oral sex. You can also use the vibrator in this position to add light pressure to the perineum, which externally stimulates the prostate--a technique that could really send the amorous action to new heights.

Discover Silicone
Silicone isn't just the choice of starlets anymore! This highly versatile material also makes sex toys feel velvety and gives lubricant a super slickness, as well as super staying power in the water. Premium silicone is hypoallergenic and allows you to share toys with your lover--as long as you thoroughly wash the toy before changing users, of course! Nonvibrating toys may be sterilized by boiling or bleaching for the ultimate clean. Keep in mind that you should never use a silicone lubricant with a silicone toy, because it will destroy the toy; always use a water-based lubricant with silicone toys!

Different Strokes
Men: Masturbation sleeves aren't just for solo pursuits. Have a partner get involved in your self-pleasuring! To start off, let your lover use your favorite lubricant to ready the sleeve for your use and slowly slip the sleeve on you. Then guide your lover as to the strokes that create the best sensations by placing your hand over your lover’s hand or murmuring encouragement when a rhythm is working. That way, your lover’s technique is perfected and you receive an amazing orgasm. Don't forget to show your appreciation!

Pearl Play
Whether or not you ever wear them, a string of pearls can make a wonderful accessory when drawn slowly along an erogenous zone. The pearls themselves are silky smooth, yet the bumps create a tantalizing texture that feels wonderful when brushed up against your most sensitive areas.

Share the Pleasure
Even if you have a fabulous sex life, there’s always room for some extra spice. Mix it up with a new sex toy you can share. G-Spot vibes are great for stimulating her G-Spot or his prostate during oral play, creating a truly unique sensation you both will love. Or try the perfect hands-free couple’s toy, a vibrating erection ring that make his erection stronger and last longer while providing clitoral stimulation for her -- a great way to share and intensify the pleasure for both partners during intercourse.

Add Pleasure with Pillows
Pillows aren't only for sleeping on! They can also be a great help in achieving different sexual positions with less strain and increased pleasure. Experiment with your pillows. You can use them for support, cushioning or elevation of certain body parts during intercourse. You can even take this technique to the next level by using a pillow especially designed to enhance sexual positions, like the Liberator.

Make Edible Art
Want to really express your erotic side? Paint your lover’s naked body using body frosting or even some chocolate syrup. Whether you use a soft brush or your fingers, your partner will love the sensations you create while making your masterpiece. And they’ll love it even more when you devour your delicious creation!

Sexy Special Deliveries
Nowadays you don’t have to go into an adult video store to rent an erotic video or DVD; you can by or even rent them discreetly online. So, if you’ve never watched porn with your lover, this might be the perfect excuse to give it a try. It’s easy to find something you’ll both like when you shop online, because the movies are usually divided into categories -- such as newlyweds, anal sex, group sex, redheads, foot fetish, detectives, wrestling or virtual sex. There are hundreds of categories, so experiment until you find the genre that works best for you.

Be a Smooth Operator
Add a silk or satin scarf to your bedside collection to enhance your love play. Both sensual and versatile, a scarf can be used as a blindfold, tied to gently bind your partner’s hands or manipulated to add new sensations to foreplay. For instance, run the scarf slowly along your partner’s body, grazing their nipples, belly and inner thighs. The cool, slick material will feel amazing on their bare skin.

Tickle Their Fancy
Use a feather to tickle and tease every inch of your lover’s body. A big, fluffy plume works best. Simply run it lightly over your partner’s skin and watch ‘em squirm. By the time you’re done, every inch of their body will be tingling. So simple, yet so erotic!

Erotic Exposure
Smile, your naughty bits are on camera! Make an erotic video or digital photo series staring your sexy, seductive self. Imagine how delighted your partner would be if you were to make a special little show for their eyes only. Send it with them on a trip or give it to them as a preview of things to come. Don’t even say what it is -- just make sure you tell them to watch it alone!

Guess the Toy!
Take out all of your sex toys, lay back, and close your eyes. Then, have your partner use different toys on you one by one, and try to guess which toy he or she is using. Don't have a lot of sex toys? Use one that comes with a variety of attachments like the Beginner's Vibe Pleasure Kit.

Beyond the Bed!
Utilize different pieces of furniture to create different lovemaking experiences. Not only does getting out of bed provide instant variety, but there are other advantages as well. For example, a piano bench or weight bench can be straddled easily, one can kneel while the other lies on it. Use your imagination!

Lube it Up First
Try putting a tiny dollop of lubricant inside the tip of the condom. It will increase sensitivity. Just be careful to put the lubricant in the tip only -- otherwise you risk the condom slipping right off during sex -- not a good thing!

More Textures
Here is another way to try playing with textures: Instead of rubbing your partner's body with things like fur and silk, rub through them! What you do is keep the material still against your partner's body, and move your hand over it. If you do it this way, you can create all sorts of unique sensations using even unusual items such as Saran Wrap.

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The Vicious Cycle of Compulsive Sexuality, Shame and Adult ADHD
by Dorothy C. Hayden, LCSW -

Case Example
Brian is an investment banker in his early forties who, in graduate business school, first began to visit prostitutes, spend money on phone sex, compulsively masturbate and, eventually spend as much as 5–10 hours a day looking at internet porn. When sexually acting out, he would feel that his brain was turned on. When viewing internet sites, he would suddenly feel alive. He had energy and felt the euphoria that sexual immersion seductively provides. His mind slowed down; he didn't need to keep moving.

Since his teens, he had masturbated nearly every night before going to sleep and sometimes once or twice during the day as well. He was shy in school and dated infrequently, partly from his feelings of inadequacy and partly from fear of having to respond to another's demands.

Undergraduate school had been difficult for him. Complex mathematical formulations from his economics courses were tape—recorded while he fantasized about looking under the girl's shirt who sat next to him. He was chronically late at classes. His dorm was messy and his clothes were disheveled. He seemed to live in another world. In his first job after graduate school, he loved the thrill, excitement and risk of being a trader, but when he had to sit in boardrooms to listen to his bosses talk about strategy, his "eyes glazed over" with boredom. He entered into an "erotic haze". He would fantasize about the escort he had been with the night before and anticipate getting home, going to chat rooms and looking at pornography on the internet.

His days were filled with forgetting assignments and people's names, of losing things and being chastised by bosses, as he had been chastised years earlier by his parents, for not sitting still or following directions. After work, he felt empty, depressed and lonely. He was unable to focus on a book or a movie and often felt different from others. It was as though they were given a chip at birth that allowed them to remember simple things, to process information accurately, to complete tasks in an orderly fashion, to moderate their impulses and calm their bodies and mind when they wanted to. Brian knew he was "different" from them, but he didn't know why. His girlfriend complained that he interrupted their conversations and that he always put his needs first. He could never finish a task that wasn't engrossing for him. He would lose his temper over trivial things.

On the internet, however, looking at a montage of erotic images, he finally felt un–scattered. He felt soothed, whole and unafraid. It was like he had taken a magic elixir. He would immediately feel "not different". He felt alert, focused and alive. However, he soon found himself dropping in his job performance because of the long nights and weekends of compulsive sexing. He went to a 12–step "S" program and learned to stay away from compulsive sex. He married and got a promotion at work. Time passed as he worked his 12–step program and settled into marriage. However, the desire to call an escort or make an erotic phone call never went away.

One day, after two years of abstinence, he ran across an escort in a hotel who offered him her services. He could not think of a reason to refuse! Also, he realized that his continuing fantasies had taken on a distinct sadomasochist flavor, and he was curious about acting them out with this woman. At work he had recently been involved in a deal that went wrong, so he was feeling "less than" and somewhat ashamed.

Memories of shaming and humiliating remarks about his conduct and learning skills from teachers and parents came flooding back, precipitating his masochistic sexual fantasies. His sense of self was completely destabilized,—so he did what had always worked for him in the past when he felt psychologically fragmented—he went to an escort to shore up his fragile self esteem. Once again he miraculously felt like he could live with himself. The non–stop put downs that had taken up permanent residence in his head were quieted, at least for a short period of time. Sex took the edge off like a few martinis do for an alcoholic.

The "quick fix" however, was followed by a crash which made him feel worse than he did before. Recognizing that he had once again lost control of himself, he would feel extremely remorseful and depressed. His feelings about himself bordered on self–loathing. After a crash, he no longer felt alert, focused, or euphoric. Although Brian had been able to walk away from a cocaine habit three years ago, the sex addiction had remained, entrenched in his psyche, like an athlete's foot of the mind. It called to him, incessantly—an itch needing to be scratched but never getting soothed.

Brian decided that if he didn't leave his house, he wouldn't be able to frequent escorts. So he re–discovered the Internet. In no time at all, he was spending untold minutes—hours—days—totally absorbed in the internet, using chat rooms to set up erotic encounters and exploring the fetishistic and S&M images and enticements of the cybersex world. Porn surfing became his medium of acting out because the images were flashy, intense, and risky. He could easily go to another web page when the novelty of one page wore off and he started to be bored.

What happened to Brian's recovery? He managed to avoid compulsive sex for a period of time and to make some positive changes in his life. But when given the opportunity, he easily returned to his sex addiction.

Brian was unable to get a handle on his sex addiction because he had not been diagnosed and treated for his Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. A particular constellation of imbalanced neurotransmitters were creating physical and emotional problems for him, including an inability to regulate attention, sleeping, mood and energy levels or control impulses,. His need to self–medicate his impulsivity, restlessness and mental hyperactivity impelled him to use sexually compulsive behaviors, trying to fix his brain chemistry. Poor impulse control combined with a drive for high–risk, intense and novel experiences contributed to Brian's addiction to sex.

Many sexual compulsives with AD/HD have had experiences like Brian's. They struggled in school because they got bored or had a hard time paying attention. Once bored, they would stare out the window, often caught up in sexual fantasies. As adults, social and intimate relationships are difficult for them. Impulses carry them from project to project, relationship to relationship, job to job. Their minds come screeching to a halt as they struggle to remember a friend's name or the location of the escort they visited last night. Most experience the self–loathing of people who are working under capacity. They have the pain and grief of living a life of lost opportunities and diminished personal potential.

Dysregulation and Deprivation
Dysregulation and impulsiveness are the hallmarks of ADD, as well as the hallmarks of sex addiction. Unable to set boundaries on their behavior, many with AD/HD feel an intense need to continue forever, once started, on a work project or an involvement in a sexual enactment. One definition of compulsion may very well be "a loss of control characterized by an intense desire to continue despite adverse consequences."

A sense of deprivation emerges when compulsive sexualizing does not provide the gratification and satisfaction that results from experiencing the natural pleasures of intimacy with another human being. Rather than sex being a way to bring two people closer, sexual enactments for the addicted pwAD/HD (person with AD/HD) can stem from intra–psychic conflict, from a narcissistic need for validation not received in his childhood, and as a way to self–medicate the physiological symptoms of brain chemistry dysregulation. As a result, sex takes up a disproportionately large space in his psychic equilibrium. His very sense of self depends on his sexuality.

Deprivation is not a feeling that is comfortable for the AD/HD sex addict. He is a bottomless pit of needs, always looking ahead and never feeling satisfied. The simpler pleasures of life are too mild. Risky, novel, intense and mysterious experiences such as those provided by Internet porn match his voracious appetites. Sex with a spouse seems banal. Marriages are ruined. Unfortunately, trying to feed the monster of endless needs makes the needs grow larger and more insistent. The AD/HD sex addict sets a vicious cycle in motion. Despite endless hours looking at cybersex, no amount is ever enough. Sex addicts/cybersex addicts are rarely sated. They live daily with a sense of unsatisfied longing.

Mood and Emotion
There are problems with mood and emotion regulation and stabilization in those with AD/HD and in sex addicts. PwAD/HD who are sex addicts often say they live on emotional roller coasters—the need for risk and intensity in life and in sexuality is ever–present. In the person with ADD, feeling states fluctuate from extreme highs to extreme lows within an hour or even minutes. Maintaining emotions on an even keel is an intricate process involving fine adjustments by different parts of the brain and nervous system. Since setbacks throw people with AD/HD off balance easily and quickly, they may try to adjust their low mood with a sex/internet binge to recover their balance mood and proper brain chemistry. The release of endorphins and dopamine from sexual excitement temporarily settles the physical, emotional and biochemical roller–coaster that many with AD/HD experience on a daily basis.

The AD/HD mind drifts hither and yon. It daydreams, wanders and drifts among loosely and tenuously connected thoughts, often moving to sexual fantasies that quell its restless energy. This is the famous "distractibility" of ADD. A pwAD/HD might engage in sexual fantasies when he should be working. The radio in the AD/HD brain seems to have a malfunctioning scan button that won't let him switch channels efficiently. The sex addict's solution is to stay tuned to one channel only and it is usually sexual fantasy to which the channel is set. Once he's in his compulsive, rigid focus, it's hard for him to turn off the scan button to redirect. Hence, distractibility is not the only problem; pwAD/HDs can also have problems with hyper focusing, or over focusing. Once the person's attention is captured, he can stay engaged with what he's doing almost endlessly. Some may not be able to pay attention; AD/HD sexual compulsives usually can't stop paying attention. Hours and hours go by, chores don't get done, children and spouse are neglected, books go unread, the glory of the sound of music is muted. This type of erotic hyper attention can also take its toll in exhaustion, fatigue, and sometimes failing health.

The over–persistence of the sexual compulsive can make switching gears out of the "erotic haze" very difficult. Although this type of self–absorption makes productive/creative work and interpersonal relationships impossible, refocusing is painful. Going from one task that involves excitement, risk, mystery, intensity, soothing and escape is excruciating when taking out the garbage or paying the bills is called for.

Another factor that contributes to sexual addiction for pwAD/HD is that many people with AD/HD have defective sensory filters that make them experience the world as a barrage to the senses—noises, sights and smells rush in without barriers or protection. When you live with AD/HD, you may be constantly bombarded with input that others may not even notice. This assault on the senses often creates feelings of intense anxiety and irritation that can trigger sexual acting out. The comfort of the "erotic haze" on the internet or the soothing experience with an escort can ameliorate these incessant barrages of sensory stimuli to the AD/HD brain.

Impaired Social Skills
Some pwAD/HDs have experienced the negative impact of AD/HD on social adjustment. Many are shy and were not particularly popular in school, especially if learning disabilities have been in the picture. Social ostracizetion has been part of the childhood of many PwAD/HDs. As adults, many PwAD/HDs have to work very hard to interact effectively in social and work situations. The development of social skills is more an art than a science because we must learn to read the ever–changing reactions of others. If deficient selective attention interferes with paying attention to social cues in order to listen and respond empathically, the PwAD/HD may feel extremely ill at ease. How much easier to go to a chat room to enter into an eroticized communication where sexuality can be used as a surrogate for real social interactions.

Many AD/HD children grew up in families in which put–downs, disapproval, personal attacks and threats of abandonment were commonplace events. Punishment and frustration from teachers and taunts from peer groups added to a sense of worthlessness. As an adult, the AD/HD child judges himself mercilessly and often tries to be perfect in a desperate attempt to shield his shame. He feels deeply ashamed of being "different" due to AD/HD as well as of being a sexual compulsive—a "deviant", if he becomes one. Chronic, relentless shame is devastating. Mired in feelings of worthlessness, defectiveness and despair, he is full of doubt about his very validity.

Shame and sex addiction are natural partners. The more intense the pain of self–hatred, the stronger the drive to find a sexual behavior that offers relief from internal pain and emptiness. For the sex addict, the answer to his inner problems lay outside himself in the "magic" of sexual desire, for or from, another. He confuses sexual desirability with self–acceptance. He is trying to fill the void that has been at least partially created by shame. He simply cannot bear feeling empty inside.

AD/HD temper problems or problems with rage may also stem from this chronic shame. A rageful person is desperate to keep others far enough away so they won't see his sense of defectiveness. A shamed person can only think to defend himself from real or imagined attacks by cruelly attacking the other person. And rage works. It drives people away and so protects the person from revealing his shame. But this device of using rage to keep people away is very damaging to a person's self–esteem. Rage breaks the connection between people and so increases the shamed person's shame. A rage/shame spiral can result. Social isolation lends itself to engrossment in sexual fantasy as a way to ameliorate loneliness.

The person who is shame–based sees himself as deeply and permanently flawed. He "knows" he is not like other persons. He "knows" he is different. He "knows" he is so bad he is beyond repair. He "knows" he will never be able to join others in a world of productivity, balance, self–respect and pride.

Shame and Perverse Sexuality
An early–life sense of shame for being “different“ and fear of abandonment can influence the sexual development of an AD/HD child. Parents who may have been unstable themselves and who had no knowledge of the special needs of an AD/HD child, may create a shame–based home environment. The messages that the AD/HD child who has chronic behavior problems, hyperactivity, aggressiveness and learning disabilities receives at home may include:

--You are not good;
--You are not good enough;
--You don't belong;
--You are deficient and disappoint us.
--You are not worthy of love.

Shame and sexuality become closely connected. Children shamed early in life may become sexually compulsive or develop perverse fantasies as a way to feel better about themselves. Fetishism may occur. Sadomasochistic fantasies and enactments may become paramount. Exhibitionism may be developed and acted on.

Exhibitionism can easily be a chosen perversion for the person who is shame–based. The person who is shamed, instead of hiding, calls attention to himself. He may expose himself in public, in an automobile or by standing in a window. The AD/HD child may have suffered from a lack of recognition of his real and valid feelings, wants and needs by parents and teaches who expected him to be other than the way he was. The exhibitionist seeks to redress this lack of recognition. He also uses his perversion as a strategy for dealing with shame by displaying what he really wants to hide—himself.

Sadomasochistic fantasies and enactments are common among shame–based people who have difficulty imagining that relationships can include mutual respect, dignity and pride. People who have grown up with shame, like many AD/HD people, often believe that fulfilling, exciting relationships must be shame–based. Men pay hundreds of dollars to see dominatrixes who physically humiliate them and repeatedly tell them something is wrong with them. The submissive man, fearing abandonment, tries to please the "mistress" by becoming whoever she wants him to be, no matter how humiliating or de–humanizing her demands may be. The reasoning is such: "If anyone saw the real me, they would be revolted. I must please the mistress by being a person she would be proud of." Pleasing the dominant parental figure is a way on undoing the pain of having a parent that couldn't be pleased. The S&M enactment thus turns trauma into triumph because the masochistic man succeeds in pleasing his dominant partner.

Self–abuse is a common result of shame. Here, the person who is deeply shamed engages in masochistic behaviors that damage him. Seeking out the services of a dominatrix who may beat, whip and verbally humiliate him is one such way of self–abuse.

The other side of the S&M coin is the desire to humiliate and administer pain to others. Shame is a threat to a person's basic sense of being. The shamed person feels small weak, vulnerable and exposed. He may find this self–hatred to be unendurable and in order to survive psychologically, he transfers his hatred on to others, treating them with distain and contempt.

Choosing an Online Dating Service
by Noreen Ruth

If you're new to online dating, just the vast number of sites available for you to choose from can be daunting. To make the process easier the first and probably most important decision to make is to define exactly what you're looking to get out of a dating service. Are you looking for a lifelong relationship, a friend to share common interests, a sexual encounter or a chat buddy?

The top dating services. such as Yahoo! Personals, eHarmony and focus on one type of relationship. On these sites you know upfront what the other members are looking for when you make contact. If you are not exactly sure about your specific intentions, check out the sites that offer more than one type of relationship within the same site. Be sure you look for one that has the different communities separated so that you don't have to guess what the intentions of the poster may be.

Know Who You Want to Meet
Dating services will bring positive results only when you're able to see a mental picture of the person you would want to meet and find words to describe him or her in details that convey the traits that are most important to you. Consider not only the physical attributes of the person but their personality, lifestyle, hobbies, religious and political preferences. If there is one trait that is a 'must-have', consider searching for a dating service that specializes in bringing together people who share that common interest. The specialty dating services you can visit are as diverse as your imagination -- biker babes, vegans, pet-lovers, pagan, etc.

Site Features Make the Process Easier
Who has time to click through thousands of profiles to find the 'perfect' match? The tools that are offered on a site can make your search faster, more relevant and ultimately more fun. Matchmaking features offer you a way to 'fine-tune' your search so that you're not wading through profiles that are far from the results you're looking for. Some sites run your search on a regular basis automatically and send new prospects that meet your profile to your email. On a general dating site, you may receive several profiles each day. If, however, you opt to use a more 'serious' service (designed for people looking for a marriage partner), you may receive one or two matches a month.

Take Personality Tests As a way to help their clients learn about themselves and their potential partners, personality tests are offered. The more established sites often offer more insightful and detailed tests. The results of these tests, which are free with your membership, help to define compatible members. One thing to consider is whether the results are a good reflection of you, if so it stands to reason that the potential matches on the site will be reflecting their true nature, as well.

Check Out the Communications
Communication is the key to a great relationship. When choosing a dating service, consider what communication opportunities are included. If you're just trying out a service, you will probably be given limited ability to communicate (often limited to flirty icons and preset messages) with prospective dates to determine whether you want to continue at the next level which would require a subscription to the service. Once you subscribe, communication between members is usually with an on-site email or instant messaging. Typically, the more you pay for a service the more options will be available to you.

Entertainment Options If you're not looking for a serious relationship, there's still a place for you on many dating service websites. More and more sites are now offering chat rooms and forums to make friends. Entertainment features may also include quizzes, polls, contests, articles and newsletters.

Using the Service When Out of the Country
Established online dating services have extended their services into other countries around the world. You can connect in 27 different countries on; Yahoo! Personals has a new Canadian service. If you find yourself in another country, this service is a good way to chat in your native language.

Cost and Payment Options First look for free trials and try out all the features before committing to a service. The cost of using an online dating service is typically between $20 and $25 a month. With the cost pretty standard across the board, the value of your subscription is in the services offered that you will actually use. If you sign up for a service and don't take advantage of the benefits they offer, you're wasting your money. Look for discounts for signing up for several months or for joining with a friend. Some services accept money orders or checks, but most prefer credit or debit card payments.

More Resources
Be sure to explore the Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) section of the service you're considering. Visit the site and explore the options available. Don't stick around too long, if you aren't enjoying the experience. Check out a great dating service review site, - Compare Best Internet Dating Sites.

About the Author
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